Hello All !

I have a friend who I have known since 12 th grade. He is shy, soft spoken and a bit shorter than me. I have felt comfortable confiding in him and allowing him to see me in the most embarrasing of situations. He has always been supportive of me and there to give me positive and constructive feedback. He has stuck by my side when I didn't have a dollar in my pocket and when I was at my heaviest in weight. He is not a bad looking guy either, and last but not least he is respectful a  more...

Hello All !

I have a friend who I have known since 12 th grade. He is shy, soft spoken and a bit shorter than me. I have felt comfortable confiding in him and allowing him to see me in the most embarrasing of situations. He has always been supportive of me and there to give me positive and constructive feedback. He has stuck by my side when I didn't have a dollar in my pocket and when I was at my heaviest in weight. He is not a bad looking guy either, and last but not least he is respectful and has strong values.

Sounds like the perfect man, Huh ? Plus he is realistically attainable as we already have a freindship established....but....I am not attracted to him ! I know a lot of other ladies out there know what I am talking about. I think the world of him but I just do not have the feelings inside to want to date him or more ! I have tried to think of him in romantic or sexy situations to kind of get myself in the state of mind to get those tingles and feelings for him, but It's just not there.

Instead I am attracted to the men who in the end don't appreciate me or don't take me or " us " seriously ( Of course I don't know that when first getting to know them...). Now, don't get me wrong - I am not chasing the chap wearing, motorcycle bad boy or the muscle bound, tan beach stud. In reality I tend to be attracted to nerdy men and blue collar type men that are smart or know how to fix things. That's hot to me ! Maybe they make up for the areas I lack LOL !

So, I just wanted to see if any other ladies out there are plagued with this similar scenario and I'd like to know about the men who can't seem to be more than just a friend. Maybe after talking about this and getting several points of view we can understand why we can see the prize of a lifetime open in front of us in door number one, yet still want to take that risk and choose door number 3 instead ?

Are we setting ourselves up for failure ? Have we caused ourselves to be single ? Was it really me and not you ? HELP ! less...

Quoting: Originally posted by jjiggl I know what you mean. I am in a great relationship now, but before I was in this relationship, most of the men that I seemed to be attracted to tended to be men who did not treat me the way that I wanted...

Wow jjiggl,
This moved me so much that I had to comment. I can so relate to this.
Thanks you so much for sharing, its like you went into my head and put thoughts that I have not as yet defined, into words.
I could have put it so well if I tri  more...

Quoting: Originally posted by jjiggl I know what you mean. I am in a great relationship now, but before I was in this relationship, most of the men that I seemed to be attracted to tended to be men who did not treat me the way that I wanted and deserved to be treated. Most were emotionally unavailable to me because they were either rebounding from a bad relationship and were not ready for anything serious. Or they were just losers who were with me because I did just about everything for them and of course, they never appreciated me for it. And whenever I met someone who seemed sort of together, I seemed to find a way to mess things up. In all cases, I found that the common denominator in all of the relationships was ME. I did not know it then, but now that I am in love and in a great relationship, I know that I was in those other relationships because I did not think enough of myself to put my feelings first. I was with the emotionally unavailable man because I was going to "make" him love me. I was going to show him that I could make him forget about his last break up. That he needed me to make him feel better. I was with the loser--the man who could not take care of himself--because I wanted to show him that he is lovable. That all he needed to get himself together was for ME to show him that he was worthy and that someone believed in him. I messed things up with the good guy because I did not believe that I was worthy. That he was going to leave me sooner or later, so I had better screw things up now. No need to prolong the inevitable. Believe me, at the time that I was going through all of these relationships, I did not know consciously that I was setting myself up for failure or heartbreak. I was not even conscious at the time, of the fact that I did not feel unworthy of a healthy relationship or of being loved. It was not until I met my current boyfriend of three years that I realized what I had been doing in my past relationships. Of why I chose to be in those relationships. And to be completely honest, the first month of my relationship with my current boyfriend I had to talk myself into staying in this relationship. I had to talk myself into accepting the fact that a man who was kind, loving, affectionate, emotionally and financially stable was interested in me. I know that it sounds weird, but trust me, it felt even weirder. I believe that the only reason that I did not mess this relationship up was because not more that a few months before I met him, I felt so ashamed about how I bad I let a previous man treat me, that I thought that I could never trust myself to be in a relationship again. I thought that I was so bad at choosing men that I would not even try again. And if I would not date again, that meant that I would never be kissed, held, carressed again. It also meant that NO ONE would ever love me. The thought of that made me cry as if I someone close to me had died. I remember crying so hard and wailing so loud that I scared myself. I had never cried like that before. I guess I needed that cry. I didn't feel good afterwards but I didn't feel as bad as I did before I cried. It made me think that if I wanted to be loved, I would have to decide to date again and dating again meant that I was not going to go back to my old habit of making bad choices in men. For me, that meant that I was going to trust my intuition: if something did not seem right about him, I was not going to waste my time with him. Now this did not happen for me overnight, but I do remember that when I felt myself begin to give in to my old habit, I remembered the despair that I felt when I had the "big cry". And the thought of going back to that kept me from repeating the same mistakes. I have no idea where those feelings of deserving less came from. I don't even believe that knowing where they came from is relevant. I only know that I did not get the love that I wanted until I felt that I deserved it. I will also admit that not only do I feel that I deserve to be loved now, I also feel that my boyfriend is fortunate that I love him because it took a lot of work for him to have my love. I am so glad that this time, it is not being wasted.

Wow jjiggl,
This moved me so much that I had to comment. I can so relate to this.
Thanks you so much for sharing, its like you went into my head and put thoughts that I have not as yet defined, into words.
I could have put it so well if I tried. xxx less...

I know what you mean. I am in a great relationship now, but before I was in this relationship, most of the men that I seemed to be attracted to tended to be men who did not treat me the way that I wanted and deserved to be treated. Most were emotionally unavailable to me because they were either rebounding from a bad relationship and were not ready for anything serious. Or they were just losers who were with me because I did just about everything for them and of course, they never appreciated  more...

I know what you mean. I am in a great relationship now, but before I was in this relationship, most of the men that I seemed to be attracted to tended to be men who did not treat me the way that I wanted and deserved to be treated. Most were emotionally unavailable to me because they were either rebounding from a bad relationship and were not ready for anything serious. Or they were just losers who were with me because I did just about everything for them and of course, they never appreciated me for it. And whenever I met someone who seemed sort of together, I seemed to find a way to mess things up. In all cases, I found that the common denominator in all of the relationships was ME. I did not know it then, but now that I am in love and in a great relationship, I know that I was in those other relationships because I did not think enough of myself to put my feelings first.

I was with the emotionally unavailable man because I was going to "make" him love me. I was going to show him that I could make him forget about his last break up. That he needed me to make him feel better.

I was with the loser--the man who could not take care of himself--because I wanted to show him that he is lovable. That all he needed to get himself together was for ME to show him that he was worthy and that someone believed in him.

I messed things up with the good guy because I did not believe that I was worthy. That he was going to leave me sooner or later, so I had better screw things up now. No need to prolong the inevitable.

Believe me, at the time that I was going through all of these relationships, I did not know consciously that I was setting myself up for failure or heartbreak. I was not even conscious at the time, of the fact that I did not feel unworthy of a healthy relationship or of being loved. It was not until I met my current boyfriend of three years that I realized what I had been doing in my past relationships. Of why I chose to be in those relationships. And to be completely honest, the first month of my relationship with my current boyfriend I had to talk myself into staying in this relationship. I had to talk myself into accepting the fact that a man who was kind, loving, affectionate, emotionally and financially stable was interested in me. I know that it sounds weird, but trust me, it felt even weirder.

I believe that the only reason that I did not mess this relationship up was because not more that a few months before I met him, I felt so ashamed about how I bad I let a previous man treat me, that I thought that I could never trust myself to be in a relationship again. I thought that I was so bad at choosing men that I would not even try again. And if I would not date again, that meant that I would never be kissed, held, carressed again. It also meant that NO ONE would ever love me. The thought of that made me cry as if I someone close to me had died. I remember crying so hard and wailing so loud that I scared myself. I had never cried like that before.

I guess I needed that cry. I didn't feel good afterwards but I didn't feel as bad as I did before I cried. It made me think that if I wanted to be loved, I would have to decide to date again and dating again meant that I was not going to go back to my old habit of making bad choices in men. For me, that meant that I was going to trust my intuition: if something did not seem right about him, I was not going to waste my time with him.

Now this did not happen for me overnight, but I do remember that when I felt myself begin to give in to my old habit, I remembered the despair that I felt when I had the "big cry". And the thought of going back to that kept me from repeating the same mistakes.

I have no idea where those feelings of deserving less came from. I don't even believe that knowing where they came from is relevant. I only know that I did not get the love that I wanted until I felt that I deserved it. I will also admit that not only do I feel that I deserve to be loved now, I also feel that my boyfriend is fortunate that I love him because it took a lot of work for him to have my love. I am so glad that this time, it is not being wasted. less...

Quoting: Originally posted by sparkles2002 Hi There yes have had the same happen with a couple of male friends, respectful and very trustworthy and always there for me...but never get that old butterfly flutters with them. I think its us wanting them to be a bit more caveman... dont ask us, just grab us, take us back to the cave and ravish us & if we dont like it, we can always club you over the head!

Hey Sparkles,
Cavemen, he he I love it
Yes agree, want them to be a bit more ca  more...

Quoting: Originally posted by sparkles2002 Hi There yes have had the same happen with a couple of male friends, respectful and very trustworthy and always there for me...but never get that old butterfly flutters with them. I think its us wanting them to be a bit more caveman... dont ask us, just grab us, take us back to the cave and ravish us & if we dont like it, we can always club you over the head!

Hey Sparkles,
Cavemen, he he I love it
Yes agree, want them to be a bit more cavemen like, you but I want one that I dont have to use the club on. less...

Hi there VegasAngel,
Yes its always the way isn't it. Chemistry!!?? I have had the friend who became more only to have it die because there was no spark. Also had the hot flame but only got burnt by it. lol
I dont know if we can help who we find ourselves attracted to, but we can make sure that what we find attractive is a good choice for us.
Now, I too would love to know how to find that hot flame who is also my friend.
Fantasy? I hope not, would love to forever remove this profile.